""l want to suck your blood.""
That's not right.
""l want to suck your blood.""
No, that's not it. ""l want to suck--""
Hello, kiddies.
You caught me in the middle of my homework.
Your old pal, the Crypt Keeper, is a real believer in continuing...
deaducation.
Which brings us to tonight's murderous morsel.
It's a juicy little tale about a real bloodsucker...
who never learned to go for the jugular.
I call this plasma play...
The Reluctant Vampire.
Oh, God.
How I hate Mondays.
Leopold? Come on, Leopold.
Leopold?
Now, while most of us make a point ofnot looking for trouble...
my next guest has made a career ofit.
He has a job that's definitely not for the squeamish.
For the past 50 years, Rupert Van Helsing has been hunting vampires.
Hunting vampires? Mr. Van Helsing, is that for real?
Of course it's for real, Miss Jones.
I assure you, vampires are quite real.
And they really turn into bats and fly around?
No. That's just in the movies, but they must drink blood to stay alive.
And it must be human blood.
It is for them an addiction.
An addiction for which they ha ve to kill nightly.
I don 't know about you, but I'm wearing an extra scarf to bed tonight.
Hilarious.
Come on, Leopold. Come on.
We've got to go to work. Come on. Good boy.
I don't want excuses. I want answers!
Our blood supply is at a record low.
We are tottering on the brink of bankruptcy.
And all you can say is, ""There are irregularities in the bookkeeping.""
We've been meeting all our donation quotas, Mr. Crosswhite.
What's happening, Sally? Is blood evaporating?
I wanna know why there's not as much blood available as we're taking in.
I don't know why.
You better find out why, sweetheart...
or your little butt's gonna be out on the sidewalk.
Oh, no. Mr. Crosswhite, I need this job.
Honey, you're dead weight on a sinking ship.
Please, Mr. Crosswhite, I'll get to the bottom of it.
It's interesting that you put it that way, Sally...
because I'd like to keep you on here.
You see, I like you, Sally, a lot.
And perhaps we could get to the bottom of that?
-Mr. Crosswhite-- -Leave her alone.
Sir.
Nice try, hero.
But before you go sticking your nose in anywhere...
remember you're just a night watchman.
-lf you want to stay night watchman.... -Yes, sir.
Think about what I said, sweetheart.
It's an awfully cruel world out there in the unemployment line.
Maybe you both better think about it.
Well, then.
I'll be going now.
Oh, yes. Goodbye, then.
Don't worry. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine.
Thanks for standing up for me today, Mr. Longtooth.
-lt was nothing. -No, I mean it.
It was a brave thing to do.
-Nobody's ever called me that before. -What?
Brave.
When my family used to go out hunting, I used to stay in the house.
I couldn't kill anyone.
Anything.
That doesn't mean you're a coward.
You're sensitive, that's all.
-I am? -Yeah.
And I think sensitive is...
sexy.
You do?
Sally, I've got to go now...
'cause I'm supposed to be watching things.
Would you like some company for a while?
-ls everything all right? -Yes.
Just got a little toothache.
Well.
Guess I better let you go.
Good night, Mr. Longtooth.
Good night.
Lovely.
Over the lips, over the fangs, say goodbye to hunger pangs!
Yes, lovely.
Oh, yes.
Leopold, my dear friend, up you go.
Yes. Oh, good.
Yes.
A little AB or a little type O
Twist oflime and away we go
Yes.
Oh, nectar of the gods.
Here's blood in your eye, Leopold.
I think we'd better go and alter that record book, don't you?
Crosswhite, you goddamn son of a....
He's taken it home with him.
I should go around to his house and rip his goddamn throat out.
I've got to do something to solve this problem...
even if I hate myself in the morning.
I wish you could wait until the morning, Cuddles.
I mean, it's not safe here. I didn't mean to scare you.
You are shaking all over the street, huh?
You darling. You look just darling.
Now if you could just piddle and get it over with, and we'll go home. All right?
I can't do it.
I just can't do it.
Okay, Granny, hand over your purse.
I said, hand--
A body isn't safe to walk the streets anymore.
-Who the hell are you? -Hello.
Have you ever had any blood-borne diseases?
No, man.
Are you currently taking any drugs, or any other medication?
Have you had dental surgery in the last 72 hours?
-Have I what? -Have you?
-No! Oh, God, you're killing me. -This is music to my ears.
Come on, my little beauty. This is good. This is very good.
You win some, you lose some.
Thanks for your business.
Sally, hello. How are you?
You're early. It's not even light outside yet.
I was worried about the blood.
Well, that's nothing to worry about.
I'm sure there's more than enough for everyone.
Mr. Longtooth...
is there something wrong with me?
What do you mean?
Do you think I'm unattractive?
No.
No. Not at all. Quite the contrary...
I think you're very beautiful.
Then is there something wrong with you?
What do you mean?
Don't you know?
Sally, l....
I have to....
I have to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
This is a weird one all right.
What kind of a sicko would drain all the blood out of some nickel-and-dime bum?
I've got nothing to go on here.
I got no fingerprints. I got no murder weapon.
The only eyewitness to the whole thing is some...
Iittle old lady who says she kicked him in the balls.
Perhaps I can help you.
Who the hell are you?
Rupert Van Helsing.
-What do you want, Rupert? -I want to help you, Lieutenant.
Though, at first, you're not going to believe anything I tell you.
You're going to think I'm strange...
bizarre.
But in three to four days, when the city is awash in blood...
you're going to beg me for my help.
Well, so far you're right on the money, Rupert. You are strange...
and I don't believe you, but thank you anyway.
-Goodbye. -Any similarities?
Wait a minute, now. You're the guy on the radio, right?
-The Dracula chaser? -Lieutenant...
I assure you, I can prove everything I'm telling you.
Well, how are you gonna do that, Rupert?
Perhaps, if I might see the body.
Just as I thought.
A puncture mark directly above the jugular.
Yeah, but there's only one of them there, Rupert. Shouldn't there be two?
Perhaps one of his teeth is decayed.
Of course. Why didn't I think of that?
Now, let me ask you something else. This guy was empty.
Not a drop of blood in him.
That's nine whole pints. How do you explain that?
-Do vampires usually drink that much? -Perhaps, if they're quite large.
So we're looking for a 300-pound refugee from Castle Dracula...
with bad teeth and a taste for muggers.
Is that it?
-That's what we're looking for, Lieutenant. -Good.
Okay, you let me know when you find him, Sherlock.
And meantime, I'm due back in the 20th century.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Due to the problems we've been having in maintaining our blood supply...
I've decided to scale back.
Now, what this means is...
most of you will no longer be with us at the end of the month.
Sorry, I know how you all must feel...
but for us to continue current operations...
there would have to be a stunning improvement in our business.
I'm talking, at least twice our current daily intake.
Goodnight, everyone. We'll see you all in the morning.
-Mr. Crosswhite. -Yes, Sally.
Please, Mr. Crosswhite, don't do this to us.
-We need our jobs. -You do?
Sally, I don't know about the others...
but perhaps you and I could come...
to some sort of arrangement?
Sally?
What are you staring at?
Thought much about your job prospects lately?
My whole life, Leo, has been killing, killing, more killing.
Hundreds of years of sucking blood.
Until, of course, I got a job in this marvelous place.
I know, Leo. I know.
I am what I am.
I just don't want to go back to the stalking life.
I don't want to end up sucking on the streets again.
Maybe I could go out tonight.
Just one more little kill.
Come on, Leo, we're not talking orphans and nuns here.
We're talking about the dregs of society.
I could really make a difference in this town.
I could save the blood bank and take a bite out of crime.
Sweet and pure.
Just like nature intended.
This is unbelievable, 500 pints in two days.
We are back in business.
This is a bill of lading from an international transport company.
I've been up all night.
Fourteen straight hours on this goddamn murder spree.
Now, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna have a little breakfast--
Read it.
""Loam. Extra thick...
""100 cubic feet. Carpathian Landfill Company.""
Carpathia is in Transylvania, Lieutenant.
Transylvanian soil is essential to the survival of a vampire.
It also says in this bill of lading...
that it was delivered to an address in this city...
mere blocks away from the sites of your most recent homicides.
Care to go for a drive?
Hello?
Imagine, a vampire right under our noses.
-Who is it? -Those baffling shortages...
the cross-outs in the record books.
How long did you expect to get away with it?
How did you get in here?
You know, you've got some lovely antiques in here, Longtooth.
-Right down to the locks on the doors. -Sir.
I put back all the blood.
In fact, I put back more than I took.
Yeah, I know, a lot more.
Your freelance neck-nipping paid off in spades.
We were never in danger of going bankrupt. That was just a ruse.
I wanted to see just how productive you could be, if you had to...
and you did not disappoint me.
I've got plans for you, Longtooth, big plans.
Bullets are no good against me.
Foolish mortal.
Stopped by the old church yesterday.
Managed to fill up a couple of squirt guns with holy water.
Stings like a bitch, doesn't it?
What do you want, please? What do you want?
To provide life-giving blood to those need who need it most...
for a fee, of course.
You're gonna pump that old plasma...
Iike a gusher full of Texas crude, aren't you, Longtooth?
I'm running out of criminals.
-I think they must be hiding inside. -Lower your standards.
I'll take somebody who's rude, or cheats on their taxes.
What do you want me to do? Pick people at random?
Works for me. As far as I'm concerned, the blood's already ours.
-They're just keeping it warm for us. -I won't do it.
I won't kill again.
Then I'll tell the whole world about your little hobby.
How long, you think, before someone strolls in here...
while you're dozing the day away...
and prods your ticker with a grape stick? Time's up, Lugosi.
What do you say?
I'll do it.
No, you won't.
Sally, what on earth are you doing here?
When Mr. Crosswhite followed you, I followed him.
I was afraid for you.
Then, you know that...
I'm a vampire.
Of course. I've known for years.
It makes you kind of sexy.
Really?
Very touching, but very pointless...
since Sally and I are going to have a scorching love affair...
unless you want fangs here to get his rib cage pierced.
-Please, Mr. Crosswhite. -Think of it as a career move, Sally.
I'll even throw in that little raise you always wanted.
Okay...
but promise you won't hurt Mr. Longtooth.
Right. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Sure.
How about you, Count? Do you want to survive the weekend?
-Whatever you say. -Smart move.
Now, go snore in your coffin. Where is your coffin, anyway?
I thought you needed one of those to go beddy-bye.
Would you like me to show you?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I would.
Sucker.
Speaking of which....
Are you going to....
Oh, yes.
It's happy hour.
We don't have a moment to lose.
There's somebody coming downstairs. We must get rid of him.
Open the coffin.
You're strong.
Sally, quick. Hide.
Holy shit, look at this place.
I know where your bloodsucking demon is, Lieutenant.
You see, Lieutenant, I know my enemy.
I know his tricks. I know his methods.
There's your vampire.
-What are you doing? -Where am l?
Wait a minute. This man's alive!
Look out! No!
What the hell did you do?
It had to be done, Lieutenant.
It had to be done.
It's so horrible.
Yes.
And so exciting.
Can I ask you a favor, Mr. Longtooth?
Please, call me Donald.
Donald, would you consider....
What I mean is, could you....
I mean....
I've always wanted to be a creature of the darkness.
You have?
Sally and Donald forever.
Oh, Sal.
Have you had dental surgery in the last 72 hours?
Good.
This is so sexy.
It's good to see two lovers so batty about each other.
Now that's a relationship they can sink their teeth into.
As for me, I've got to get back to work.
Exams, you know.
I hear the final's a real pain in the neck.
Not that I'm worried or anything.
So far all my marks have been perfect!